You're Grounded!

When I was a kid, I got grounded a lot.  And I mean A LOT.  I can hardly blame my parents, as I was constantly getting into mischief, and constantly finding ways to break their punishments.  Spanking only works to a certain age, when the child begins to either ignore the pain or begins to fight back.  I did both.  It's hard to spank a child that's wielding a baseball bat!  And in the long run, it's debatable whether spanking is a good punishment.  Yes, you can put the fear of God into the little hellions, but you can also trigger the natural defense mechanisms of anger and violence.  I think it's better to THREATEN to spank your kids, but not actually do it.  The fear of the unknown is far scarier then the fear of the known punishment.

And when it comes to grounding... what do you ground?  It started off being grounded from my neighborhood friends... for 1 day... make that 1 week... make that 1 month.  To a kid, a month is an eternity... and this then caused me to rebel and break my grounding.  If I'm already grounded from friends for an eternity, what's another eternity added on to that?  Thereby turning my 1 month into 2 months and 3 months.  By that point, the grounding is pointless, as I felt condemned for life.

Grounded without parole

So, the next privilege to be lost is technology.  No telephone only works if the child has friends.  But there is always the dreaded "No TV for a week!"  I didn't care much for TV, but my precious Nintendo was connected to the television, and video games aren't TV, right?  Bam!  Grounded from TV for 2 weeks... which INCLUDES video games.  Bah.  But every day I had a couple hours at home alone after school... and as long as I turned off the TV by the time the parents got home, I was in the clear.  Of course, I also had to make sure everything was in the exact spot as I found it.  My dad had a keen eye.  So, then they started locking the power cords.  You may have seen this grounding solution on Facebook...

That'll stop 'em!

Nothing motivates a kid like telling them that they can't do something.  This wasn't grounding... this was another challenge to overcome!  I became Sherlock Holmes... in the hunt for the key to the lock.  We all know these little locks come with 2 keys... one was on my dad's keychain.  If I could get my hands on his keys, I could secretly unlock it before he left for work.  But the second key!!  After searching every drawer, every nook, every cranny... I found it on top of my parent's closet wedged between the closet ceiling and the hallway ceiling.  I even ensured I put the key back in exactly the same spot.

And computers?  Well, just change the password.  That will keep them out.  Or will it?  Or will it make them into effective hackers?  I found work-arounds.  When those were stopped, I figured out how to remove the battery on the motherboard to clear the BIOS password.  And when it was locked with a key... the key hunt began again.  When that failed, I worked on a makeshift computer key out of a paperclip.

This got me to thinking about grounding kids in the modern age.  Most video game systems have wireless controllers.  If you take away the controller, the kid can turn on the console but can't play it.  How devious!  This also applies to most DVRs and Smart TVs... as the only way to navigate the menu is with the remote.  Of course, you'll have to take away the smart phone too... there are remote control apps for most devices.  Plus, smart phones replace televisions and video games.  And you may want to change your Netflix password or the child's Facebook password.

But is grounding the most effective way to enforce good behavior?  As I have pointed out, when grounding is used too much it can back-fire and cause further mischief.  Not to mention, grounding the kid means he will be at HOME all the time.  That's no fun for the adults, either.  Thinking back, my parents were surely sick of having me around the house 24/7 pestering them constantly because I had no other distractions.  It seems the parents are punished just as much as the children.

Solutions require a solute and a solvent.

So my solution?  Be creative.  Think of rewards, as well as punishments.  Make plans to do fun things... and expectations that "bad children" won't get to do these fun activities.  Use the unknown to your advantage.  Don't have an idea of what to do?  Then tell them you'll "do something fun" and figure it out if they behave well.  Unknown punishments can also work very well... when a punishment becomes expected, it can be balanced against the rewards of misbehaving.  So keep the punishments fresh and unique.  Here's some things that worked on me and for me...

• Create activities with them that they LOVE to do with you.  This makes a clear tit-for-tat, quid-pro-quo exchange.  You be good, I'll treat you good.  You be bad, and I will do something else by myself.
• Have them create their own punishment, thereby using the little creative mind against itself.
• Have them write lengthy essays on what they did wrong, why it was wrong and how to do right
• Have them do a difficult chore that fits the crime.
• Take away their favorite item with conditions of return.  Keep in mind, if you don't include conditions, you'll cause a rebellion.

Ah, now if only I could use these techniques on my dogs!  

Do you have any other creative punishments that go beyond spanking and grounding?  Please share!

What is "Cool"?

What is "Cool"?

Maybe I have dated myself just by using the word "cool."  "Cool" isn't cool anymore.  Neither is awesome or rad.  Yet, when I hear the words "dope," "tight," or "fat," those words don't sound very cool to me.  But this very sense of feeling "hip" and "on-top of your game" changes as you grow older.

As a toddler, I didn't have much of a sense of cool.  No real friends at that age, and being cool just meant I didn't poop my pants.  Having a bottle of milk or juice was pretty sweet, and Sesame Street was the best pop culture had to offer me.

As a little boy, I had just figured out how to have friends.  Now cool meant being friendly and coming up with fun imaginary games.  I was most proud of being able to tie my shoes.  And math was cool.  Chances are, Sesame Street was still #1 for me.

Pre-teen is the true beginnings of social cliques.  I was not cool.  I was awkward.  Too smart for my own good, and a total know-it-all.  I was good at soccer.  That made me feel cool.  I loved to write and draw, but for the most part I thought about things no other kid thought about.  My curiosity killed Santa and the Easter Bunny.  Sorry about that.  I had to do it.

Teenage years were a blur and a nightmare.  My awkwardness multiplied tenfold.  To me, cool was having favorite bands to rally behind.  I impressed friends by being good at video games, and just being friendly.  But my nerd side kept me from being anything near popular.  Who needs to be popular when you can be cool in your own way?  I liked the wild shocking bands that scared other people.  Cool was being a creative  individual that stood out from the crowd.

My young-adult life, I continued on this quest to be cool.  I was the coolest person I had ever met.  I dyed my hair green, started recording outlandish music and creating art.  Printed tye-dye tee shirts and had dreams of being the next big rock star.  And at some point in my 20's, I became that rock star.  At least in my head.  I am my own rock star.  I don't have to impress anyone.  All I need is a guitar, an amp and electricity.  Nobody can cheer for me louder than my own inner voices.

And in my 30's, I can hardly even relate to the idea of "cool."  I don't care to impress anyone.  I just want to be myself.  To be honest, respectable and a role-model.  There is a 5 year old boy in my life, and I do my best to make him think I'm cool.  We paint.  We play with Transformers.  We play video games.  We are cool together.  And there is a woman in my life who thinks I'm cool no matter what I do.  And that makes me feel cool.

Maybe being cool is just for young people.  As I grow older, I prize being content and happy far more than being cool.  I'll never be as cool as I was in my 20's, but that's okay.  I've impressed myself enough.  I've inflated my own ego as much as I could.  And as my ego deflates, it propels me into the future.

Are you cool, man?

The Parenting Conspiracy

Conspiracies are real. Don't believe me??  I have proof.  And I'm blowing the whistle.

I am part of the oldest and biggest conspiracy of all time.  I can say for a FACT, that you are a victim of this conspiracy, as was I.  But now I perpetrate this conspiracy myself.  And I apologize, but I assure you that it was all for your own good.   Well, at least I think it was.  You will judge for yourself.

What is a conspiracy, though?  A conspiracy is a secret.  A BIG secret or secrets with many masterminds behind them.  Secrets so big that they sound completely ridiculous and unimaginable.   The masterminds don't want you to know these secrets, because it is better for everyone if you don't know.  Hopefully you won't ask questions.  Hopefully you won't figure out what they are hiding.  Once you do, you will judge for yourself if it was for your own good, or if you have been cheated.


For instance, chem-trail believers have long said "The government is trying to control the population by spraying us with toxic chemicals!  The proof is in the sky!"

This seems illogical to me.  Our population is growing... but governments make money off of every single tax-payer.  Surely there are other reasons for them to spray our skies with harmful chemicals... such as... weather control to prevent extended droughts.  But cloud seeding is controversial and goes against the loosely defined Environmental Modification Treaty of 1977.   Most governments in the world seed clouds to avoid major droughts that would kill off crops and cause food shortages.  Nearly all deny it,  to avoid breaking the treaty and to avoid upsetting the citizens.  After all, cloud seeding is done with silver oxide and other very hazardous chemicals.

Cloud Seeding

But I have learned to doubt conspiracies.  Many conspiracy "secrets" are created to attract attention.  Secrets attract attention, create excitement and bond people.  And figuring out secrets can cause an uproar.  Chemtrails could just be exhaust hanging in cold dense air.

I am part of the Parenting Conspiracy.  This goes BEYOND parents, though.  My co-conspirators include anyone who wants to help a child become a good person.  Is that you?  If it is, you should join me in our grand schemes.

The core of The Parenting Conspiracy includes hiding the offensive world, comforting, inspiring good habits, reinforcing good morals, encouraging creativity and building social skills.   All over the world, parents are hiding reality from their children with lies.  Not just lies, but a WEB of lies.  And some half-truths.

And I'm going to blow the whistle for all children of the world that read blogs.  You need to know what your parents did to you.

Some of the lies of the Parenting Conspiracy:

• "That strange body part in your underwear is called a ding-ding, or pee-pee, or hoo-ha."  False.  If you're a boy, you have a penis.  If you are a girl, you have a vagina.  A penis and a vagina together is called sex.
• "Babies come from storks, or grow in the cabbage patch." False. Babies come from unprotected sex.
• "You can't sleep in your parents bed because you move too much, make too much noise, crowd me, and wake me up"  Half-true.  The full truth is that your parents want to have sex.
• "We (parents) don't smoke, drink or do drugs.  It's bad for you."  False.  A lot of parents smoke, or drink, or take pills, or drugs.  Sometimes for social or medical benefit.  But, too much of anything can kill you.  Don't be an addict.
• "You can't have dessert until you eat your dinner."  False.  You could have dessert for dinner if you wanted, but it can have negative health and social effects.  Eat healthy.  Eat desserts in moderation.
• "Monsters will haunt you for your bad habits."  Half-true.  Monsters don't exist.  The real monster is the negative social and health effects of bad habits.  Don't be gross.  Don't be rude.  
• "Good children get stickers and prizes."  Half-true.  Parents control their kids with prizes.  Be good for your mom and dad, and they will be good to you.
• "You can only make money from household chores."  False.  Chores keep your house clean and respectable.  When you're an adult, you will make money by doing pointless things for other people.  And usually you get paid by the hour, and not by the task.  So you are probably making more money per hour than your parents do.  
• "Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy are real."  False.  They are not real.  Your parents gave you presents in Santa's name, candy in the Easter Bunny's name, and money in the Tooth Fairy's name.  But keep pretending they are real... you will get lots of presents, candy and money as long as your parents think you believe it.
• "Magic, Fairies, gnomes, dragons, and other mythical creatures are real."  False.  Mythical creatures are just myths.  Thinking "outside the box" of reality can be inspiring.  Always be curious and creative.  The world is full of new discoveries.
• And that's just the tip of the iceberg...

I am sorry that we lied.  I feel bad we have misled you for so many years.  But as you can see... we did these things for your own good.  At least we think so.  You can judge for yourself.  You might be angry at first, and maybe even hold it against us.  Maybe what I've told you is too much to hear, and you will go on believing the lies.  But I am confident you will eventually come around to seeing things our way.  We just want you to have a good life.  

The key to a good life...

Be responsible for yourself.  Be healthy physically and emotionally.  Eat right.  Get out and do things!  Don't be lazy.  Take care of yourself and do your household chores.  It will make you happy to improve your environment.  Do your best to get along with others and be a respectable person.  Inspire people.  Don't be bad, be good.  Be positive.  And take pride in all that you do.

When I grow up

I wanted to be an astronaut.  I wanted to be a bug scientist.  I wanted to be a dog psychologist.  I wanted to be a bionic engineer.  Those all sound like fun jobs.  

I did not know about money.  I did not know that a job was required to survive.  And I never dreamed of an ordinary job.  And definitely not the wide variety of jobs I have worked over the past 2 decades. 

When I grow up, I wanna be a:

• Cattle brander
• County fair maintenance worker
• Waiter
• Chef
• Legal Secretary
• Computer repairman
• Shipping & receiving clerk
• Data entry clerk
• Telephone surveyor
• Call center manager
• Customer service rep
• Retail clerk for a liquor store, rock & roll apparel shop and flower shop
• Reports writer
• Software tester
• Project manager
• Parking Enforcement Officer
• Electronics salesman

I did not like olives, either.  They're black, shaped like eyeballs, have a fleshy texture when you bite into them and an unusual bitter-tart flavor I had never experienced.  After one nibble, I refused to ever eat one again.

And then someone showed me olive fingers!  What a fun experience to have squishy black finger tips to play with and then eat.  The flavor, shape and texture were the same, but now it was fun... which made it delicious.  This new and unexpected thing I had feared, became something I loved and ate 10 at a time!

Every job is an unexpected experience, but I always try to find ways to make it fun.  Like putting bitter-tart olives on my fingertips.

Here's an olive-finger work-related love story.

I love to hear about the unusual jobs other people have worked, too.  Please comment and tell me... what are the most unexpected jobs you have worked?