Adventures in Hitchhiking (Part 2)

For Part 1, see:  http://liveforeverdietoday.blogspot.com/2013/08/adventures-in-hitchhiking-part-1.html

It's the middle of the night, and the sounds of metal on metal of a freight train jolts me out of my sleeping bag.  Hay sticking to my hair as I quickly pack my stuff and yell at my companions to wake up.  "C'mon!  Wake up!  The train is here!"

We grab our bags and run across the field towards the train tracks.  The closer we get, the bigger the train is.  Up close, it is monstrous and moving much faster than we thought.  We all look at each other nervously.  Steve starts running along the tracks, but he can't run as fast as the train was moving.  The noise is deafening and I yell as loud as I can, "I don't know guys, this looks mighty dangerous!"  Sam nods his head in agreement.  Steve yells "No, we can do it!  C'mon.  Just run, throw your bag on and grab tight!"  I shake my head no.  Sam shakes his head no.  And we start walking away.  Steve runs behind us "I'm sure we could have done it.  Should we wait for the next train?"  "No, let's just stick to the road."

Desolation is not a road you want to hitch hike.

Early the next morning, we stood out on desolate Highway 2.  The North East part of Montana is the definition of desolation.  Flat land and sparsely populated.  We waited for nearly 3 hours, seeing only a few cars that ignored our desperate thumbs.  And then, along comes our Coca-cola distributor friend.  He pulls up and says "Hi guys!  I figured I would see you out here.  Not many people drive this way.  And I have good news... my destination is Minot, North Dakota."  That's 250 miles!  Soon the wind was whipping through our hair as we huddle in the bed of his pickup truck, occasionally peeking out to catch a glimpse of the desolation.  Around noon we stop in a small town and our chauffeur bought us all lunch.  What luck!  A few more hours in the back of the truck and we pull into Minot.  Our friend pulls up to a gas station and we say our goodbyes.

After walking down the street several blocks we see a giant parking lot and tons of people.  A few blocks away we can see amusement park rides peeking over the trees.  We get closer and see it's the North Dakota State Fair.  Steve points and smiles, "Let's join the carnival!  Then we could travel for free and get paid to be carnies." Sam nods in agreement, and I shrug.  "Sure, why not?"  We walk up to the front gate and tell the ticket counter that we want to apply for a job.  She tells us, "The carnival employment office is inside, but it's $5 to enter the fairgrounds."

"Can't you just let us past?  We really need work!"

"It's $5 to get in."

"That would be $15!  We don't have that!"

"Sorry."

We walk down the street and Steve thinks we should just climb the fence.  So we start walking around the fair grounds looking for an opening.  On the back side there is a huge parking lot, and loud music coming from the grand stand arena.  Steve jumps up onto the back of a pickup and peers over the fence.  "Let's watch this concert!"  Unfortunately, Sam and I are much shorter than Steve and we had to stretch on our tippy-toes to see over the fence.  "Who is it?"  "No clue... it's definitely not metal, but it's okay."  We hunt down a flyer and we think it's the Goo Goo Dolls playing.  Sure enough, they end their set with "Name" which seemed like a fitting song for our journey.

The sun has set and we wander back out to what looks like a main road.  Standing in the dark next to a stoplight we hold out our thumbs.  A blue pick-up truck pulls up and a grey-haired man asks us where we're going.  Not completely sure, we say questioningly "Bismarck?"  The man laughs and says "Well, you're on the wrong road.  Where are you from?"  "Havre, Montana" we reply.  "That's a long ways!  It's rather late to be hitch hiking though, and I bet you're hungry.  Come stay at my house tonight.  My wife will cook you some food.  I don't have a spare bedroom, but you can sleep on the living room floor.  It's not much, but at least you'll have a roof over your head."  We all grin and jump into the truck.  After arriving at his house, we were offered chili and hot dogs.  We shared some of our adventures and the couple made a big ordeal to pray for us.  The man sits down with us and says "I have this voucher for a free stay at a hotel in Valley City.  It's a long ways away, but I won't ever use this.  I leave for work at 7am tomorrow, and I can give you a ride to the edge of the city heading south towards Bismarck."

The next morning we are standing on Highway 83 and a red beat-up pick-up pulls up.  Sam and I jump into the back, and Steve sits up front.  We ride for about 30 minutes, and the truck pulls off the highway into a field.  He offers us a beer and we sit on the tailgate talking for a bit.  Turns out he is also from Havre, Montana!  We even knew some of the same people.  After talking our ears off, he say "Sorry I can't take you further, but I gotta get to work!"  He jumps in his truck and drives off  and once again we are standing on the side of the road in the middle-of-nowhere.

Then a classic Volkswagen van pulls up.  We climb in and discover the back is PACKED with guitars and musical equipment, so we squeeze together on the one empty bench seat.  In the front seat sat a long haired man and a beautiful woman, who welcomed us on their journey to Bismarck.  They were ALL about travelling, and told us about how they had been travelling all over the country for the past year.  They showed us a map of their trip, and then asked us to write something in their journal.  So each of us took turns writing something witty and signing our names.  The radio was tuned to a country station, and we begged them to put something else on.  "There doesn't seem to be any rock stations in this area," they said, "but you can pick something out of our cassettes."  Two cases were handed back to us, and we greedily scan through the titles.  After looking through everything, we frown at each other.  It was nearly all Soul Asylum, Goo Goo Dolls and 10,000 Maniacs.  "I guess we'll listen to some Goo Goo Dolls," I say.  "Yeah, I guess that will work.  We did just see them." says Steve.  The couple turn around and say "Really?  Was it a good concert?"  We all shrug.  "Meh, not really.  I mean, they played well but it's just not our style of music.  We're more into metal.  So not really big fans of Goo Goo Dolls.  They sound a lot like Soul Asylum."  Steve nods and blurts out "Yeah, they suck."  The couple frowns, looks at each other and we rode the rest of the way in silence.  As soon as we reached Bismarck, they dropped us off at a gas station and waved goodbye.

We run inside the gas station to relieve our bladders, and then sit outside on the sidewalk.  "That couple seemed to get really mad that we didn't like their taste in music."  "Well, you DID say that their music sucked.  I would be kind of mad, too."  "What was with all those instruments?  They never once mentioned being in a band or why they were travelling."  "Yeah, that was strange... I wonder..."  I see a flyer for the North Dakota State Fair on the door of the gas station.  I run over and look at the band lineup pictures... and there... was the shaggy-haired driver of the van.

"OH MY GOD!  We just told the Goo Goo Dolls that they sucked!!  To their face!!!"

Steve starts laughing.  "We're lucky they didn't kick us out of the van right then!"

"Wow... I finally meet somebody famous, and I tell them that they suck."

"Oh well, I'm sure it's rare for them to talk to people who AREN'T fans.  It will be good for them."

Sorry, Goo Goo Dolls.


To be continued...

Bathroom Disaster

There I sat, fidgeting in my school desk wishing I hadn't drank so much water that morning.  Class was boring and the teacher was strict.  I sat watching the door, waiting for my classmate to return with the bathroom pass.  The 3rd grade teacher let us go to the bathroom whenever we wanted, but in 4th grade we HAD to use the bathroom pass.  I waved my hands in the air until the teacher called on me.  "Can I PLEASE go to the bathroom??  I can barely hold it in!"  The teacher responded "No, you have to wait for Jimmy to return."  My teeth were floating!!  Floating!

As Jimmy walks back into the classroom, I jump up and grab the pass like I was in a relay race.  Darting down the hallway, I run into the bathroom.  Strange... I didn't see any urinals.  What the heck?  Did they remove them over the weekend?  My bladder couldn't wait to figure it out... I run into the stall and finally find relief.

I hear the bathroom door open followed by two voices... FEMALE voices!  What are THEY doing in the men's bathroom??  I peek through the crack in the stall, and see two TEACHERS!  Oh no... I must be in the WOMEN'S bathroom!  Oh no!!  Quickly I jump up onto the toilet to hide my feet, and try to breathe as quietly as possible.

"I am soo ready for the weekend!" the first voice says.

"Oh?  Do you have big plans?"

"Not really.  I'm just ready for the week to be over.  I already had 3 parents in my class room this week complaining about SOMETHING.  It's been an exhausting week."

"It HAS been an exhausting week.  This morning, someone in the 4th grade music class put a whoopie cushion on my chair.  The class wouldn't stop laughing and making jokes about my musical instrument.  I never did figure out who did it, but I have my suspicions."

I gasp... I was the one who put the whoopie cushion on her seat.  And though for sure my classmates would tattle on me.  I guess it was too funny for them to give me up.  That's when my foot slipped... and with a splash I fall into the toilet.

"What was that?!" the music teacher said.  "Hello?  Is someone in here?"

Holding my breath, I slowly lift my foot out of the toilet.  Desperately trying to think of an excuse, or some way to get out of this mess.

The other teacher said "Check the stalls."

Ack!  And I'm in the FIRST stall!  Panicking, I grab the edge of the stall, and leap over the top of the wall into the 2nd stall.  As my feet land on the toilet seat, I hear the first stall door open.

"Nobody in this stall."

"Hmm, I was sure I heard a sound too.  Check the other stalls."

Like a ninja, I leap over the wall and onto the next toilet, and then the next.  The sound of stall doors opening just seconds behind me kept me jumping.  Until... I reached the last stall.  I can't jump through a brick wall!  My eyes go wide and I do my best to quiet my heavy breathing.  What to do?  What to do??  As I hear the stall door next to me open and shut, I throw myself over the wall back the other direction.  Crouched with my feet on the toilet seat, I shiver in fear.  I've already been in too much trouble this year.  Surely I will get detention if I get caught!

"Nobody here.  Hmm... maybe we just heard a sound from the boy's room next door.  I'll go get a male teacher to check it out."

I hear the bathroom door squeak open followed by heels clicking out into the hallway.  But there were two teachers... did they BOTH leave?  I hear the stall next to me open, and the sounds of clothes being taken off.  I hold my breath.  My heart is beating so hard it sounds like a drum beating against my chest.  I hear tinkling sounds go on far too long, and I feel like I'm turning purple from holding my breath so long.

The stall door opens, and I hear the sink turned on and turned off.  *th-thump!  th-thump!  th-thump!*  My heart beat was deafening in my ears.  Finally, I hear the bathroom door open and close.  I wait a few more seconds to confirm that the bathroom is quiet and empty before gasping for air.

I race out of the bathroom as fast as I could run, and sprinted all the way back to class.  I'll never make THAT mistake again!!



This is not a true story... but a drama piece that I did for competition in high school.  And no, I wasn't actually in a bathroom.  Each round of competitions was held in a class room with about 8 other teen actors and 3 adult judges.  I had 6 chairs lined up, and was jumping from one to the next miming the invisible walls to the bathroom stalls.  It was dangerous.  I fell a few times.  I ruined lines by laughing in the middle of my piece... but in the end, I made it to State Semi-Finals.  I didn't get a medal, but I got my picture in the paper and had a blast!

Keggar on the Mountain

"I just realized, that I am 30 years old, and I have NEVER had a keggar party."

"Well, why don't you throw one?" says my friend, Mike.

"I guess I could.  I have money and my new job doesn't start for another month.  Just have to think of someplace epic to throw it, and see if I can find people to come."

"If you throw a keggar, people will come... invited or not!" Mike nods.

"Hmm... I wonder if anyone has ever had a keggar on top of the Incline stairs that goes to the top of Rocky Mountain?"

Mike's eyes pop wide open... "On TOP of the mountain??  You're crazy!"

"Well, it's gotta be epic.  I may never throw another keggar party again."

Yes, the top of THAT mountain.

And so I started planning.  I got the biggest keg I could buy of the best IPA micro-brew beer I could find.  The keg was heavy.  REALLY heavy.  So, I went dolly shopping.  None of the dollies were big enough to hold a keg, and most had hard rubber wheels.  I needed a BIG dolly with big rubber wheels if I was going to drag a heavy keg up a mountain trail.  In fact, I saw the PERFECT dolly in my neighbors garage.  I would ask to borrow it... but they weren't the friendliest neighbors...

I called all of my friends.  Sunday worked the best for everyone.

On the morning on June 15th, 2008, I woke up early with one goal in mind...  get that keg to the top of the mountain!  I lightly tiptoed to the neighbors house, and quietly wheeled their big dolly across the alley.  I pumped up the tires, and loaded it into the car.  Then I loaded the keg from my refrigerator and started making phone calls.

Nobody answered.

I kept calling, and calling... until I finally got a hold of Alan and Mike.  They showed up, and they started calling people... and we waited.  Nobody showed up.  Soon it was afternoon, and I was getting antsy, so I demanded that we start by ourselves.

We drove to the very end of Ruxton Avenue where there is a shortcut up Barr Trail.  I wrapped the cold keg with a blanket, strapped it to the dolly and away we went.  Boy, was that keg heavy!!  Three guys pushing and pulling as hard as we could up that steep dirty trail... and the keg got heavier and heavier.  So we stop to rest...

3 men and a keg

And we start calling people again.  Calling friends of friends of friends.

*ring ring ring... click*

"Hey!  What are you doing?.... Oh?... Want to come to a keggar party?... Yeah!  It's going to be on the Incline... Yes!  The Incline!  But we reeeeeeally need your help.  Can you help us push this keg up the trail?  We are about 1 mile up... okay!  See you soon!"

And people started arriving...

Reinforcements!

The keg continued to get heavier as we pushed... and each time we stopped, cellphones were out and we were calling for more help.  And more people arrived...

And more reinforements

We make it about 3 miles up Barr Trail to where it meets the Incline stairs... a spot nicknamed "The Bailout" since so many people climbing up the Incline stairs would bailout once they realized they were only 2/3 up the mountain.  That stairway is no joke!

And that's when mutiny happened.  There was about 1-2 miles left to reach the top of the mountain, but the mob was growing tired and thirsty... and refused to push the keg any further.  So, we tapped it.

Tapping the keg of Edge City IPA from Bristol Brewery

What a night!  We poured extra beers and set them on the stairway for the thirsty hard-core hikers.  "C'mon... have a beer!  You don't want to climb the rest of the way up do you?  Look how far it is!  You look tired... Stop and have a cold beer and join the party!"

Drinking a fresh beer on the Incline

And the party grew.  A constant stream of hikers joined our party, whether they were going up the Incline or coming down the trail.  All types of people joined us... hippies, gangsters, housewives, military soldiers, retired folks.  It was just as epic as I hoped.  Although, I would not recommend a potent micro brew beer for a party on the mountain.

I honestly don't know who most of these people are

New bros bumping fists

I encouraged everyone to stay the night... as there were few flashlights and going down a gravel trail or a set of steep stairs is not something you should do in the middle of the night.  But that didn't stop people.  One by one they left... some braving the stairs, some taking the trail.  Soon, I was all alone, QUITE inebriated and the keg was still VERY heavy.  I wrapped myself in the keg blanket and dozed off watching the city lights.

The city at night from near the top of the Incline

*crunch, crunch, crunch*

I woke up with a start to feet stepping around me.  I look up, and see a few people already above me huffing and puffing their way up the stairs.  I look down the stairs and see a STREAM of people hiking up.  Then I glance at my watch... 4:45am.  Wait... 4:45am???  Who in the world wants to hike to the top of 3,000 steps that early in the morning?

My head was pounding, and the party left quite a mess.  So I slowly gathered up all the garbage, strapped the keg back to the dolly and started my way back down the trail alone.  The keg was heavy... but going downhill that was not much of a problem.  Except the keg was heavy, and rolling down the hill after me.  I had to run to keep from getting run over myself.  Before I knew it, I was off the trail and back onto the road.

People stared as I ran by shortly after 5am... covered in dirt and dragging a dolly with a beer keg.

A keg is a dangerous thing if you don't have many friends.  It took us nearly a month to finish it.  When I finally returned the keg to the brewery, I was done drinking for quite a while.

The Parenting Conspiracy

Conspiracies are real. Don't believe me??  I have proof.  And I'm blowing the whistle.

I am part of the oldest and biggest conspiracy of all time.  I can say for a FACT, that you are a victim of this conspiracy, as was I.  But now I perpetrate this conspiracy myself.  And I apologize, but I assure you that it was all for your own good.   Well, at least I think it was.  You will judge for yourself.

What is a conspiracy, though?  A conspiracy is a secret.  A BIG secret or secrets with many masterminds behind them.  Secrets so big that they sound completely ridiculous and unimaginable.   The masterminds don't want you to know these secrets, because it is better for everyone if you don't know.  Hopefully you won't ask questions.  Hopefully you won't figure out what they are hiding.  Once you do, you will judge for yourself if it was for your own good, or if you have been cheated.


For instance, chem-trail believers have long said "The government is trying to control the population by spraying us with toxic chemicals!  The proof is in the sky!"

This seems illogical to me.  Our population is growing... but governments make money off of every single tax-payer.  Surely there are other reasons for them to spray our skies with harmful chemicals... such as... weather control to prevent extended droughts.  But cloud seeding is controversial and goes against the loosely defined Environmental Modification Treaty of 1977.   Most governments in the world seed clouds to avoid major droughts that would kill off crops and cause food shortages.  Nearly all deny it,  to avoid breaking the treaty and to avoid upsetting the citizens.  After all, cloud seeding is done with silver oxide and other very hazardous chemicals.

Cloud Seeding

But I have learned to doubt conspiracies.  Many conspiracy "secrets" are created to attract attention.  Secrets attract attention, create excitement and bond people.  And figuring out secrets can cause an uproar.  Chemtrails could just be exhaust hanging in cold dense air.

I am part of the Parenting Conspiracy.  This goes BEYOND parents, though.  My co-conspirators include anyone who wants to help a child become a good person.  Is that you?  If it is, you should join me in our grand schemes.

The core of The Parenting Conspiracy includes hiding the offensive world, comforting, inspiring good habits, reinforcing good morals, encouraging creativity and building social skills.   All over the world, parents are hiding reality from their children with lies.  Not just lies, but a WEB of lies.  And some half-truths.

And I'm going to blow the whistle for all children of the world that read blogs.  You need to know what your parents did to you.

Some of the lies of the Parenting Conspiracy:

• "That strange body part in your underwear is called a ding-ding, or pee-pee, or hoo-ha."  False.  If you're a boy, you have a penis.  If you are a girl, you have a vagina.  A penis and a vagina together is called sex.
• "Babies come from storks, or grow in the cabbage patch." False. Babies come from unprotected sex.
• "You can't sleep in your parents bed because you move too much, make too much noise, crowd me, and wake me up"  Half-true.  The full truth is that your parents want to have sex.
• "We (parents) don't smoke, drink or do drugs.  It's bad for you."  False.  A lot of parents smoke, or drink, or take pills, or drugs.  Sometimes for social or medical benefit.  But, too much of anything can kill you.  Don't be an addict.
• "You can't have dessert until you eat your dinner."  False.  You could have dessert for dinner if you wanted, but it can have negative health and social effects.  Eat healthy.  Eat desserts in moderation.
• "Monsters will haunt you for your bad habits."  Half-true.  Monsters don't exist.  The real monster is the negative social and health effects of bad habits.  Don't be gross.  Don't be rude.  
• "Good children get stickers and prizes."  Half-true.  Parents control their kids with prizes.  Be good for your mom and dad, and they will be good to you.
• "You can only make money from household chores."  False.  Chores keep your house clean and respectable.  When you're an adult, you will make money by doing pointless things for other people.  And usually you get paid by the hour, and not by the task.  So you are probably making more money per hour than your parents do.  
• "Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy are real."  False.  They are not real.  Your parents gave you presents in Santa's name, candy in the Easter Bunny's name, and money in the Tooth Fairy's name.  But keep pretending they are real... you will get lots of presents, candy and money as long as your parents think you believe it.
• "Magic, Fairies, gnomes, dragons, and other mythical creatures are real."  False.  Mythical creatures are just myths.  Thinking "outside the box" of reality can be inspiring.  Always be curious and creative.  The world is full of new discoveries.
• And that's just the tip of the iceberg...

I am sorry that we lied.  I feel bad we have misled you for so many years.  But as you can see... we did these things for your own good.  At least we think so.  You can judge for yourself.  You might be angry at first, and maybe even hold it against us.  Maybe what I've told you is too much to hear, and you will go on believing the lies.  But I am confident you will eventually come around to seeing things our way.  We just want you to have a good life.  

The key to a good life...

Be responsible for yourself.  Be healthy physically and emotionally.  Eat right.  Get out and do things!  Don't be lazy.  Take care of yourself and do your household chores.  It will make you happy to improve your environment.  Do your best to get along with others and be a respectable person.  Inspire people.  Don't be bad, be good.  Be positive.  And take pride in all that you do.

Adventures in Hitchhiking (Part 1)

It was July 15th, 1996.  As a newborn 19 year old, I was anxious to escape small town Montana.  Originally, I had saved up money to move "properly," but my best friends insisted that they wanted to come along as soon as their checks came in.  So, I waited... and waited... and waited... until my savings was gone.  And still my friends did not have any money.  Fearing that I would be trapped in Montana forever, my desperation kicked in, and all of our mischief was catching up with us.  We HAD to go!  And where were we headed?  Minneapolis!  The "big" city, where all of our dreams would come true.

We only had $32.  It was barely enough money to buy food, let alone travel 900 miles.  Steve insisted that we could hitchhike there.  I had never hitchhiked before, so was very wary of the idea.  He assured me that he had hitchhiked many times, and with 3 men there was little chance of anything bad happening to us.  So, we each packed a bag of our most precious items and hit the road.  I gave away nearly everything I owned, and only took a few changes of clothes, some books and some memorabilia.

It was quite easy to catch a ride, especially since we were well known around Havre... And before we knew it, we had traveled 50 miles to Harlem.  Sam wanted to stop and visit a girl who lived there.  As luck would have it, her parents were out of town that night.  We celebrated our first night on the road and fantasized about what Minneapolis would be like.

We woke up with hangovers, and stumbled out to the edge of town with our thumbs in the air.  Highway 2 is a very desolate highway, and few people traveled East.  A police officer stopped us, and accused us of being runaways.  We begrudgingly showed him our ID's, and he went on his way.

A pick-up truck with Coca-cola logos pulled up, and the driver asked us "Where are you headed?"  "Minneaplis!" we shouted.  He laughs and says "I'm not going that far, but I can take you as far as Glasgow."  That's over 100 miles!  We hop in the back of his truck and away we went.  A couple hours later, we pull into Glasgow and the driver buys us lunch, and then gives us a few bottles of Coke.  "I'll be heading East tomorrow, so I'll pick you up if I see you."

We wait on the highway for about an hour, until a blue conversion van pulls up. We hop into the van, and the driver asked us "Where are you headed?"  We shout in unison, "Minneapolis!"  "Well, I can't take you that far... but we are just cruising, so I will take you as far as I can." There were already 4 people in the van, and after we climbed in it was quite crowded.  What a nice van! Plush seating, a refrigerator, plus a VCR and television!  Introductions were made, and we were on our way.  "Do you want a beer?" the driver asked us.  "Sure!"  To our surprised, the refrigerator was stocked full of cheap beer.  That's when we realized everyone in the van was very intoxicated... including the driver, who threw an empty can out the window and demanded another beer.  Yikes!  They took us another 100 miles, before dropping us off in the middle of nowhere just past Wolf Point.  They wished us luck, and gave us a 12-pack of their cheap beer as a parting gift.  We stood on the road nearly 3 hours without seeing a single car drive by, and started to worry that we would be stuck.  That's when we noticed a train slowly pass by.  Steve suggested we hop the next train.  It sounded like a good idea.

So we waited.  And we waited.  We decided to start a campfire, and began drinking the beers we had been gifted as we waited.  "I hate my name," I said.  "Destry is a made-up word that has no meaning."  Sam asks me, "What kind of name would you want?"  "Well, something natural and meaningful... like River or Tree."  Steve says "Dude, your name has Tree in it.  And since we are moving to a new place, why don't you just tell everyone your name is Tree?"  "What a great idea!  I will do that.  From now on, I will be known as Tree."

We waited... and waited... nighttime was well upon us and we still didn't see a train.  So we gathered up some hay, made ourselves make-shift beds and fell asleep.  In the middle of the night, I woke up to the sounds of steel-upon-steel.  "The train!  The train!"  I shook Steve and Sam awake, we grabbed our bags and ran for the train tracks...

To be continued...
(Part 2:  http://liveforeverdietoday.blogspot.com/2013/08/adventures-in-hitchhiking-part-2.html)