Do Not Enter

A few weeks ago I had an idea for a story inspired from my dreams, and also from the series "Virtual Mode" by Piers Anthony.  So climb into my mind and enjoy the ride!

"Do Not Enter"

I wake up in the middle of the night to the sounds of breaking glass.  Or was it just my imagination?

No, I definitely hear footsteps downstairs.  An intruder!

I race to put on my clothes, and search for a weapon.  Hmm, nothing in sight.  I guess a shoe will work.

Holding my shoe up ready to beat someone with it, I creep down the hallway and down the stairs.  It's so dark I can hardly see, but I hear someone causing a racket in the kitchen.

Peeking around the corner I see two large men rummaging through the cupboards!  Robbers!!  I turn around and run to grab my cellphone, and stumble in the dark and trip over the coffeetable!  "Ow!" I yelp in pain as I fall to the ground.

Suddenly, light blinds me from the kitchen.  I look back and see the two flashlights pointing at me.

A gruff voice yells, "What the hell!?  The owner is away on vacation!  Who are you??"

"I'm a f-f-friend!  House... uh... house-sitting!"

My eyes gradually adjust and I see the two men are wearing biker masks painted to look like skulls.  I look over at my cellphone plugged into the wall.  As I jump up and run to grab it, a gunshot rings out completely deafening me.  I look back and see one of the men holding a smoking gun, and that they had shot my cellphone.

"My cellphone!  Damn!  You bastards.  That costed me a months pay!"

"And it's about to cost you your life!  Sit still.  Our gang is coming, and if you're lucky, we will let you live."

I widen my eyes with fear, and try to think fast.

"You already broke a window and set off the silent alarm.  Police will be here any minute."

"Oh?  Is that so?  Well, then disarm it!"  The taller thug shakes his gun at me.

"Ok, ok.  The control panel is near the front door."

"Lead the way."

We walk down the hallway through the living room to the front door.

"Hmm... I don't see the control panel.  It must be by the front door on the porch."  I open the door, slam it, open the porch door and run as fast as I can towards my car.

There was no alarm system... but thankfully my bluff had worked.

I hear the front door slam behind me as my pursuers chase after me.  About 20 feet from my car, I hear the roar of motorcycles turn down the driveway.  I'll never make it to my car in time!  I veer right, and I run behind the house, then across the field and into some woods.  I stop to catch my breath and listen if I'm being followed.

Sure enough, I hear yelling and footsteps chasing after me.  I jump up and continue running through the woods.  I'm not really familiar with this area and have no idea where I to go, so I just keep running.

I come to a clearing in the woods and find a run-down mansion with rotted out wooden steps.  I carefully climb up the steps, walk through the broken front door and I hide around the corner and wait.

But they're still chasing me!  By the sounds of it, the entire gang is on my trail now.

"He must have ran inside that house!  Everyone circle around it so he doesn't escape, and two of us will go inside after him."

Shoot!  Now I'm trapped!  I look around the house for an escape.

The floorboards looked old and rotten just like the front steps, and the remnants of a stairway leading up to the second floor.  I see the main zig-zag beams that held the stairs are still there, but the boards are gone.  I figure the bikers would not expect me to make such a dangerous climb, so I carefully make my way up the beam, using the wall for balance until I reach the second floor.

At the top of the stairs is a large wooden door.  It appears there are words carved on the door but are so worn I can barely make them out...  "Do not enter."  Strange.  I push the door open and run through.

It's bright and noisy.  My eyes struggle to adjust.  I look around and discover I am on a busy street in broad daylight, and it smells awful.  How can this be?  I look back and see I just came out of a run-down building that looked nothing like the mansion I was just at.  Where am I?  I look around and see street vendors selling fruit, fish and other wares and dirty people in rags everywhere.  Am I in another country?  These people don't look American!  I yell to a passerby and ask "Where am I?"  They frown at me, and say something in a language I don't understand.  So I walk down the street, hoping to find someone that speaks English.

I spot a sign written in English that says "Coffee."  A coffeeshop!  Perfect!  Someone surely speaks English there!  I walk through the door...

And I step into snow.  Snow?

I look around, and I'm on a mountaintop!  What in the world?  This doesn't make any sense.  I look back and see a hut behind me, with the door wide open.  Inside I see a bed and a stove and it looks inviting, but it doesn't make sense.  Where is the street market I just came from?  A blast of cold wind hits me and I don't see any other buildings in sight, so I go back inside the hut for shelter...

Except inside was not a hut, but a construction yard!  Men in hard hats are all around me working on a huge skyscraper.  Cranes moving huge beams over my head and welding sparks raining down from high up above.

"Hey, you!  What are you doing here??"  A man in a white hard-hat comes running up, still yelling.  At least he spoke English!  "What are you doing here?  Where is your hard-hat?"

"Um, I'm lost," I reply.

"This is a restricted area!  Didn't you see the signs?"

"No... sorry.  I just came out of..." I look back and see the door to the foreman's trailer behind me.  The door!  Before the man can say another word, I turn around and run through the door.

Suddenly, I'm overwhelmed with loud music.  So loud, I can feel my bones rattling to the beat.  It appears I am now in a dark club filled with dancing people silhouetted by strobe lights and laser beams.  It smells of sweat and alcohol.  I look behind me, and see the entrance to the club with a line of people at the door getting checked by the bouncers.  At least the music was good!

I walk up to the bar and go to order a beer, but realize I don't have my wallet.. nor my cellphone... nor any keys!  The three things I always carry on me.  I was really in a bind.  So, instead of a beer I ask for a glass of water and watch the people on the dance floor.

"Do you want to dance?"

I look over and see a tall beautiful brunette batting her big brown eyes at me.

"Why yes!  A dance would be great.  I've had a such horrible night."

She grabs my hand and drags me out onto the dance floor.  "I'll make it better."

What luck!  And what a dancer she was!  I lurch around awkwardly in what I consider dancing, while she sways and floats around like a swan princess on a cloud of air.  I pull her closer, her body continuing to wiggle against mine as we dance together.  She's sexy, curvy and smells sweet like candy... completely overwhelming my senses.  She begins grinding against me and kissing my ear, and then she whispers, "Want to come home with me?"   I nod excitedly, and she leads me towards the exit.  Arm in arm we walk out of the club.

And I find myself standing alone on a beach in broad daylight again.  Looking around, I see that I am on a small island with nothing on it except a small lean-to made of drift wood and a single palm tree.  The sun is hot and the water is endless.  I must be somewhere in the Pacific Ocean!

I decide to sit down and rest a bit, still trying to process what was going on.  I remembered being chased, running to the house and through the door that said "Do not enter."  Ever since then, I have no idea what is going on.  At least I am someplace nice, now.  The sun feels good, the sand feels soft and I really didn't sleep much last night... and I drift off to sleep.

I dreamed of travelling, beautiful women and sunny beaches.  I dreamed of places I had never been to, and people that I had never met.  But then my dreams turned darker, and I dreamed of running in the dark, cold and wet.  Rain beat down and lightning flashed overhead, and I could not find shelter.  What a horrible dream!  I ran and ran, but could find no escape from the rain...

And then I woke up to the sound of thunder.

The waves were crashing against the beach violently, and it really WAS raining.  I look up at the palm tree and see it swaying in the wind.  This tree wouldn't provide any cover.

I get up, wipe the sand off myself the best I can and walk towards the lean-to... but it was gone!  The wind must have blown it away!  I look around and see boards scattered across the beach, and some floating in the water.  There truly was no place to hide from the storm!!

I decide to huddle up against the tree as best as I can, and I tuck my head inside of my shirt to hide from the wind and the rain, and at the same time warm myself with my breath.  I was freezing!

And then it dawned on me... I'm trapped!  There weren't any doors on this island!  And most of the driftwood from the lean-to was gone so I couldn't build a door.  I'm trapped on a deserted island.  Well, I thought, there are worst places to be!

Adventures in Hitchhiking (Part 3)

This is the 3rd and final chapter of my hitchhiking adventures.  If you haven't read the previous chapters, you'll want to catch up before reading the finale.

Part 1, see:  http://liveforeverdietoday.blogspot.com/2013/08/adventures-in-hitchhiking-part-1.html

Part 2, see:  http://liveforeverdietoday.blogspot.com/2013/08/adventures-in-hitchhiking-part-2.html

It was shortly after midnight when the Goo Goo Dolls dropped us off at the gas station.  Steve, Sam and I continued laughing about giving them such a hard time.  Figures the first time I meet someone famous I would put my foot in my mouth.

"What should we do now?" I say.  "It's a little late to hitchhike and we can't camp in the city."

Steve says, "Let's see if we can catch a ride to this Valley City and use the hotel vouched the guy in Minot gave us.  It can't be THAT far away."

So we start asking gas station customers if they're headed East, but with no luck.  We are in the middle of the city in the middle of the night, so there are few people on the highway.  Some college kids come in on a "beer run" and ask if we want to join their party.  Hoping we could get an actual hotel room tonight, we turned down the offer and continued our hunt for a ride.

About an hour later, the college kids came back.  "Everyone passed out, but we're sober and wide awake.  Where did you need a ride to?"  "Valley City!"  "Hmm... I think that's a long ways away, but let's do it.  The party was boring and I want some excitement."

Valley City turned out to be 135 miles away.  Our kind valets had sacrificed a 4 hour round-trip, but we made it to Valley City!  This is not a city at all... it is barely a village whose main attractions were 2 gas stations and a rustic motel.  The Wagon Wheel Inn.

The Wagon Wheel Inn in Valley City, ND

We arrived around 3am, and the clerk insisted our voucher was only for 1 night, so checkout would be 11am.  We had 8 hours to sleep!  Inside is all polished pine wood reminiscent of the Old West with hunting trophies, cowboy boots and wagon wheels decor.  We got a nice big room and slept like babies.  We woke up shortly before 11am, got a continental breakfast... and low and behold, there was a Greyhound Bus!

Oh look!  A Grehound!

Steve pulls us close and says "I have an idea!  Remember our friend in Havre who told us about hitching a ride in the bottom of a Grehound bus?  I bet we can pull that off."  Sam and I looked at each other nervously, "I don't know, man.  Seems risky.  Why don't we just hitch-hike."  Steve thinks for a bit, and then walks over to a shaggy haired kid smoking by the bus.  "Where is this bus headed?"  "Fargo/Moorhead, and then North to Grand Forks."  Steve comes back over... "Alright, if we can hop this bus we can make it all the way to the Minnesota border!  C'mon!  We can do it!"

We walk around behind the bus, and Steve tries the cargo door latch.  It pops open!  He dives in, and yells for us to follow.  We all crawl in and Steve starts to shut the door.  "No, wait!! What if we can't open the doors from the inside???  We'll be stuck here til we reach the bus station.  We have to get out before that!" Steve nods and we agree to take turns holding the door to keep it from latching.

It's dark, noisy and smelled a bit like diesel fumes, but we were comfy resting on top of bags of clothes.  Our only light was the crack in the door, as we watched the highway race by.  The bus keeps stopping, and each time we peek out to see if we are in a city.  The longer we rode along, the more antsy we became.

Suddenly, Sam yells out "We're here!  We're here!  I see cars, a Subway and big buildings."  I try to peek out, but all I see is traffic.  "Okay, let's do it."  We jump out of the bus and grab our bags.  We immediately realize that we are NOT in Fargo.

Gas stations outside Casselton, ND

Far from it!  We were at the edge of a tiny town where the gas stations cluster around the freeway!  Steve goes to open the cargo door when we hear someone yelling from the gas station.  We look over and see the bus drive running out, yelling "Hey!  I need to talk to you!"  We look at each other nervously, Steve closes the cargo door and we wait.  The bus driver catches up and gives us a funny look, "Is this where you want to get off?"  I nervously reply "Yes!"  He looks around at the desolation, "Are you sure?"  We nod our heads emphatically.  He shrugs and says "Okay, I just need to check your tickets and your baggage claims."
We stare at him in horror.  I say, "We don't have them."

He frowns.  "Well I need your baggage claim stubs or I can't let you take that luggage."

We stare at each other in silence.  He says "Look, I'm already running late!  I need those tickets!"

My heart is beating rapidly and images of police and prison-time run through my head.  And there was nowhere to run.  The pressure builds as we stare at each other, and I suddenly blurt out "Look!  This is my bag... it has my name on it... SEE??  We don't have tickets!  We hitched a ride in the bottom of the bus.  We're sorry.  Please don't call the police!"
He looks at us completely bewildered.  He grabs his radio and keys the mic and we prepare to run.  He sighs and puts the radio back on his belt, shakes his head and climbs back in the bus.  We all let out a huge sigh of relief!  That was close!

We walk up to the freeway ramp and stick out our thumbs.  Within an hour, a sherrif pulls up and tells us we cannot hitch-hike on the freeway.  So we are stuck at the gas station again.  We take turns begging for a ride, but everyone is headed AWAY from Fargo.  Finally, a big jolly man agrees to let us ride in the back of his pick-up... which was being hauled on a trailer!

So we climb in, lie down and once again we are on our way!  Turns out we were only 10 miles from Fargo, and the trucks stops.  The driver asks us if we want breakfast.  We frown and say "We don't have any money."  He smiles and says he'll give each of us $4.  Over a big plate of eggs, hashbrowns and bacon we share our story, and learn that the driver is a used-car salesman from Forrest Lake, Minnesota.  Turns out he had just picked up the truck in Great Falls, Montana which is fairly close to where we started.  If only we had traveled South instead of East!

4 hours later we arrived in Forrest Lake.  We waved goodbye and danced down the street.  We made it!!  Technically this was part of the Twin Cities metropolis... so we should be able to walk downtown from here.  Or so we thought.  It's actually 30 miles north of Minneapolis.  And it was late.  The buses stopped running hours before and we were penniless.  So we walked over to THE "Forrest Lake," took a swim, relaxed and discussed our options for the night.  Now that we're in the "big city," we are all a bit freaked out about sleeping outdoors.

Steve spies a small round building near the beach... which turns out to be a changing room... with locking doors!!  So we locked the door and settled in for the night.  It's not easy sleeping on wood benches.

In the morning we set out walking towards Minneapolis.  We walked... and we walked... and yet were still so far away.  Steve continued fishing for a ride with his trusty thumb, and once again his luck caught us a break.  An older gentleman was on his way to work in Blaine.  Once in Blaine, we realize we are STILL a long ways away.  So we walk a few more hours from Blaine thru Fridley to Brooklyn Center.  The sun is setting ad we STILL haven't made it to Minneapolis!  We stop to rest in front of a big church, and Steve yells out "I have an idea!"  He jumps up and runs into the church.  A few minutes later he comes out with an older man who tells us he will give us a ride to Salvation Army in downtown Minneapolis.  He was the minister of the church and Steve had told him our story and begged for a ride.

30 minutes later we arrive at the Salvation Army.  There was a long line of seedy looking homeless people waiting for dinner service.  Suddenly we felt like country-bumpkins, and I was certain we would get mugged any minute now.  So we quickly walked towards the big sky-scrapers of downtown.

Wide-eyed like newborn babies we were completely awestruck with the size of the buildings and how busy the city was!  We walked into nearly every store giddy as school children.  Indian Bazaar with all it's weird brass trinkets and pushy salesmen, Bob Marley shoes with they're $70 shoes, Sachs 5th Ave with their $200 jeans.  They don't have that in Montana!  Someone suggests that we should go to the Uptown Neighborhood, which was about an hour walk away.

We walked to the intersection of Lake and Hennepin and were amazed at the stores and the culture!  Trendy rich art students, teenage misfits and gutterpunks galore.  It was total culture-shock as we suddenly discover we are just ants in a giant anthill... and after being in the spotlight as rural outcasts, it felt wonderful!

We found a public phone and called our only friend in Minneapolis who offered to let us stay in his living room for a week.  Soon we found jobs and places to live.  I began working as a cook at the Uptown Perkins and the next chapter of my life began!

Hitch-hiking Adventure of 1996 - Havre, Montana to Minneapolis, Minnesota

This is the end of the hitch-hiking adventures.  We travelled 900 miles of desolate landscape in 1 week aided by the kindness of many strangers, and I continue to pay-it-forward and help those in need whenever I can.  I didn't have a camera back then, so all of these pictures were borrowed from Google.  This was my one and only hitch-hiking trip... but there are many more stories to come!

Merry Halloween!

It's Halloween... and you know what that means!  Pumpkins, candy, costumes and outrageous behavior.

I'm not sure which is my favorite part...

Pumpkin carving, pumpkin seeds, pumpkin beer, pumpkin pie... oh my.  Pumpkins are great and all, but in the next few weeks, it will be rotting pumpkin season, and that's no fun.

Candy, candy... so much candy!  I start with my favorites... peanut butter and chocolate varieties... and then get so hopped up on eating candy that I work my way down to the cheap candy I don't even like.  Taffy-like candies and hard-candies are so bad on the teeth.  In the next few weeks I'll surely suffer a sugar crash and a tooth ache to match.

Costumes are great!  There are few times when it is socially acceptable to dress up like a total freak with no repercussions... well, unless your costume was a really bad choice.  But if your costume is really good, you just might win a prize.  People remember costumes!  And it doesn't take money for a good costume... it takes time and wit.  To commemorate the day, I am going to share pics of costumes I wore throughout the years...

1978 - Dressed as my dad, the cowboy minister

1981 - Superboy!  (or Mighty Mouse if I put my mask on)

1984 - A punk?  At least my idea of a punk back then

1985? - A fat clown!

Horseman - Thanks for making the costume mom!

Paperbag Mask - one of my best costumes and it was free!

8 foot tall wraith - yard decoration I turned into a costume

1920s Mobster - I actually bought this costume

A Chtulhu monster (with protea eyes!)

And outrageous behavior?  That's probably the best part.  I recommend wearing a good costume if you're going to get really outrageous.  And watch out... it could lead to a lot of hassle, but that's the risk you have to take to have a lot of fun.

All of this is optional, of course.  You can sit home with your porch-light off scaring away the trick-or-treaters and avoid the holiday all together.  You can get mad that nobody invited you out and mope around the house.  OR... you could whip up a costume and find something fun to do!  All you need is a witty idea and a little time.  Carpe diem!  Seize the day!

You're Grounded!

When I was a kid, I got grounded a lot.  And I mean A LOT.  I can hardly blame my parents, as I was constantly getting into mischief, and constantly finding ways to break their punishments.  Spanking only works to a certain age, when the child begins to either ignore the pain or begins to fight back.  I did both.  It's hard to spank a child that's wielding a baseball bat!  And in the long run, it's debatable whether spanking is a good punishment.  Yes, you can put the fear of God into the little hellions, but you can also trigger the natural defense mechanisms of anger and violence.  I think it's better to THREATEN to spank your kids, but not actually do it.  The fear of the unknown is far scarier then the fear of the known punishment.

And when it comes to grounding... what do you ground?  It started off being grounded from my neighborhood friends... for 1 day... make that 1 week... make that 1 month.  To a kid, a month is an eternity... and this then caused me to rebel and break my grounding.  If I'm already grounded from friends for an eternity, what's another eternity added on to that?  Thereby turning my 1 month into 2 months and 3 months.  By that point, the grounding is pointless, as I felt condemned for life.

Grounded without parole

So, the next privilege to be lost is technology.  No telephone only works if the child has friends.  But there is always the dreaded "No TV for a week!"  I didn't care much for TV, but my precious Nintendo was connected to the television, and video games aren't TV, right?  Bam!  Grounded from TV for 2 weeks... which INCLUDES video games.  Bah.  But every day I had a couple hours at home alone after school... and as long as I turned off the TV by the time the parents got home, I was in the clear.  Of course, I also had to make sure everything was in the exact spot as I found it.  My dad had a keen eye.  So, then they started locking the power cords.  You may have seen this grounding solution on Facebook...

That'll stop 'em!

Nothing motivates a kid like telling them that they can't do something.  This wasn't grounding... this was another challenge to overcome!  I became Sherlock Holmes... in the hunt for the key to the lock.  We all know these little locks come with 2 keys... one was on my dad's keychain.  If I could get my hands on his keys, I could secretly unlock it before he left for work.  But the second key!!  After searching every drawer, every nook, every cranny... I found it on top of my parent's closet wedged between the closet ceiling and the hallway ceiling.  I even ensured I put the key back in exactly the same spot.

And computers?  Well, just change the password.  That will keep them out.  Or will it?  Or will it make them into effective hackers?  I found work-arounds.  When those were stopped, I figured out how to remove the battery on the motherboard to clear the BIOS password.  And when it was locked with a key... the key hunt began again.  When that failed, I worked on a makeshift computer key out of a paperclip.

This got me to thinking about grounding kids in the modern age.  Most video game systems have wireless controllers.  If you take away the controller, the kid can turn on the console but can't play it.  How devious!  This also applies to most DVRs and Smart TVs... as the only way to navigate the menu is with the remote.  Of course, you'll have to take away the smart phone too... there are remote control apps for most devices.  Plus, smart phones replace televisions and video games.  And you may want to change your Netflix password or the child's Facebook password.

But is grounding the most effective way to enforce good behavior?  As I have pointed out, when grounding is used too much it can back-fire and cause further mischief.  Not to mention, grounding the kid means he will be at HOME all the time.  That's no fun for the adults, either.  Thinking back, my parents were surely sick of having me around the house 24/7 pestering them constantly because I had no other distractions.  It seems the parents are punished just as much as the children.

Solutions require a solute and a solvent.

So my solution?  Be creative.  Think of rewards, as well as punishments.  Make plans to do fun things... and expectations that "bad children" won't get to do these fun activities.  Use the unknown to your advantage.  Don't have an idea of what to do?  Then tell them you'll "do something fun" and figure it out if they behave well.  Unknown punishments can also work very well... when a punishment becomes expected, it can be balanced against the rewards of misbehaving.  So keep the punishments fresh and unique.  Here's some things that worked on me and for me...

• Create activities with them that they LOVE to do with you.  This makes a clear tit-for-tat, quid-pro-quo exchange.  You be good, I'll treat you good.  You be bad, and I will do something else by myself.
• Have them create their own punishment, thereby using the little creative mind against itself.
• Have them write lengthy essays on what they did wrong, why it was wrong and how to do right
• Have them do a difficult chore that fits the crime.
• Take away their favorite item with conditions of return.  Keep in mind, if you don't include conditions, you'll cause a rebellion.

Ah, now if only I could use these techniques on my dogs!  

Do you have any other creative punishments that go beyond spanking and grounding?  Please share!

The Columbian Exchange

Happy Columbus Day!

This holiday is often overlooked.  Few people recognize the true importance of this holiday.  Native Americans claim it is a holiday that celebrates their oppression, when the white man arrived on their continent.  While Columbus' discovery did bring negative things like disease and oppression, it also brought a lot of positive changes to both sides of the world.  This was the biggest event to happen in the history of humankind, and had the biggest world ecological impact since the continents drifted apart.  This event is known as "The Columbian Exchange."

The Columbian Exchange

What is the Columbian Exchange?  It is the term used to describe Old World exchanging animals, foods, cultures and diseases with the New World.  This had a HUGE impact on our species, and on the world ecology.  Prior to the 15th Century, Europe did not have cocoa, corn, potatoes, tomatoes, peppers, peanuts, tobacco, strawberries, squash or turkey.  Think on that for a moment... most European foods are based on New World plants.  Can you imagine Italian food without tomatoes?  Or Irish without potatoes?  Spanish food without peppers?  And no cocoa in Africa?  And no corn!!  Food must have been horribly bland before the Exchange.

And on the flip side of the ocean, the impact on Native American culture was just as significant, if not more-so!  Imagine North America without horses, nor cows, nor sheep, nor pigs, nor chickens, nor bees, nor rats.  No wheat.  No black pepper.  No apples.  No garlic.  No onions.  No sugar!!  In fact, when we think of Native Indian culture, we usually think of horses and "Indian Fry Bread."  But they did not have either one of those until Europeans arrived.  The arrival of horses allowed tribes to chase the buffalo, and to raid tribes that were previously too far away to bother.  And prior to farm animals being introduced, they survived on hunting and on eating dogs.  Yes, dogs.

Somehow, this all gets lost in dedicating this holiday to Christopher Columbus.  A Spaniard who was convinced he had found a new way to Asia.  He truly thought he was in India!  Obviously, he had never been to India before.  But that didn't stop him from naming the Native Americans "Indians," and somehow we still use that term today.  Even the natives call themselves "Indians!"  If Columbus had thought he landed in China, the natives would be called Chinese today.

Yet, there is another great explorer that should be recognized.  Amerigo Vespucci.  Also known as Americus Vespucius.  Do you know who he is?  You should!  He is the explorer our continent got it's name from.  This Italian explorer voyaged to the New World shortly after Columbus... and he was the first European to realize that the New World was NOT the continent of Asia, but an entirely new continent.  His letters describing the New World were published throughout Europe.  This was the first time most Europeans heard about the new continent.

Amerigo Vespucci

In 1507, a German map-maker named Martin Waldseemuller drew the first world map showing the new continent... and he named it "America," the female version of Amerigo's name.  Why the feminine name?  Because all of the other continents also had female names, and he figured the new continent should be no different.

1507 World Map by Martin Waldseemuller

So, I wish you Happy Columbian Exchange day!

Want to learn more about this event?  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Columbian_Exchange

1¢ Cowboy

Best penny every spent

For 1¢, you can be a cowboy for a minute.  What a deal!  And from the picture, you can tell it was the best penny ever spent.  For $1, you could be a cowboy for over an hour!!  Or you could put in a full 40 hours and become a full-time cowboy for $24 a week.  Although, you may cause a riot with the little kids waiting in line while their parents to pay for groceries.  With a deal like that, no wonder there's lines!

And that got me thinking... what else can I buy for 1¢?  According tot he U.S. Mint, it costs 2.4¢ to make a penny... so you can't even buy a new penny for a penny!  So what CAN you buy?  Penny candy is extremely rare these days, but you might find a colorful gumball or chiclet.  But I'd rather be a cowboy if I'm going to spend that kind of cash.

There are online sites that sell things for 1¢.  eBay has pennies for a penny, although you have to go pick it up.  While you're out, you can also pick up a few other items for a penny... 2 envelopes and a single teabag of green tea.  You can also buy famous recipes for 1¢.  

The best deal I could find on ebay today, is a NICKEL.  For only 1 cent!!  Free shipping, too!  Buy enough of these and you could be rich!   Buy a nickel for a penny on eBay.  Oh, but most of them are already bid on.  So I guess that's more than a penny.

There are some jewelry making supplies that are 1¢... clasps, mostly.  Amazon has some great items like the VHS tape "Dance the Macarena".  You can also buy cheap jewelry for a penny on Amazon.  But wait... these don't come with free shipping... so the total is WAY more than $0.01.

There are a few antique arcade games at the penny arcade... although a penny arcade is even harder to find than penny candy.  The only one I know of is in Manitou Springs, Colorado.

World Famouse Penny Arcade in Manitou Springs

And I hate to burst your bubble, but this is more false advertising.  There are only 1 or 2 games that cose 1¢.  Most of the games cost at least 10¢, and lose their fun after the first time you play them.

Tell you what... give me a dime, and I'll let you spin this monkey in circles.

And the games that are 5¢ are even worse... 5 second peep shows.

**SPOILER ALERT**  More false advertising.  There is nothing lude in these peep machines.  

So, what is the best return on investment for my valuable penny?  Where can I get the most "bang for my buck" ...err "bang for my penny"?  

The savvy investor will invest in being a cowboy for a minute.

For the penny-hater, you can join a group called "Retired the Penny" at http://www.retirethepenny.org.  Although we'll be kicking ourselves when the economy turns around and a penny becomes valuable again...

What else can I buy for a penny?  Please comment if you have any ideas I missed.

Confessions of a former Parking Cop

Last summer I landed a job as a parking enforcement officer... aka parking cop, meter maid or parking nazi.  Law enforcement was never one of my dreams, nor did I ever expect to land in such a job.  But it's a job and the pay is fair.  Like any job, some days are enjoyable and other days can be annoying.  And for the most part, I enjoyed the work.  I would do it again.

Now that I have taken off the hat of a Parking Nazi, I figured I should confess.  And maybe I can save someone from getting a ticket.  I myself have been ticketed and towed before.  Big cities are extreme about parking enforcement.  Where I worked parking was fairly lax except certain zones.  But my advice applies no matter where you live.

1)  If you got a ticket... I'm sorry.  It wasn't personal.  It's my job.

2)  Read the signs!  When in doubt, don't do it.  Signs are there for a reason... safety, politics, profit... ultimately, read the sign OR ELSE!  It is not uncommon for a passing citizen to report sign violations.

3)  Park inside the lines!  If you're car is oversize, park as close to the curb as you can.  Our city ordinance gives you 12 inches from the curb.  Oh, and the more your car sticks out into the road, the higher your chances are of getting hit by passing cars.  And you can't trust passing cars.

4)  Park with traffic... usually on the right side of the street.  Parking against traffic is dangerous.

5)  Avoid yellow curbs like the plague.  Yellow curb is equivalent to a "No Parking" sign.  And usually there is a safety reason parking is not allowed such as a crosswalk, driveway, no shoulder, etc.  In fact, I'm suspicious of painted curbs of any color.

6)  When in doubt, play it safe.  Save your gambling money for the casino.  Parking is basic stuff.  Don't create your own parking space.  Don't block roads.  Don't take parking spots that are reserved.  In fact, it's better to assume you CAN'T park anywhere unless you see white lines.

Lastly, if you DO get a ticket... look for the parking officer and beg for mercy.  Be polite.  Act innocent.  Provide proof... ANY proof (such as parking receipt even if you just bought it).  You just may get out of that fine.  

If you are rude, mean, yell or are negative towards that officer in any way, you will have 0% chance of mercy.  Even if you were right.  Even if you had proof.  They can put you through a lot of hassle if you put them through a lot of hassle.  Yelling out obscenities or funny phrases like "parking nazi" only ensure the officer will work harder.  And they may just remember you when you beg for a ticket to be taken back.

On to new adventures!!